And actually, I’m barely home. I work almost everyday of the week after college, so I’m just home to eat dinner and sleep. I don’t mind. I actually enjoy it… I enjoy the solitude. After all, being alone for 2 months in Boston taught me it’s not that bad… I had no one to talk to while in Boston, so I spent all my free time at the gym or walking to downtown. Now, I spend my time at college and at work. I can buy they things I want and do what I want. Also, you say you’re leaving in January for the Air force. I know there’s nothing I can say to change your mind, and I don’t intend to. You really want to go and I don’t understand why. You say you’ll get many benefits without any hard work, but still… I think the reason you really want to go is because you’re scared you won’t suceed in life. You’re scared I’ll reach my goals and you’ll still be lost, so you want to do something in the meantime… you aren’t sure of your studies, your future… so the air force seems like a good option. I just hope nothing bad happens to you… that’s all I can really say:( Anyways, I know I’ll be extremely lonely next semester. I’ll keep my job (hopefully) and study for the MCAT while having a minimum course load… Guess I’ll be spending all my time in college then… I probably won’t go out in all semester because I won’t have anybody to go out with. You are my company, since I don’t really have a lot of friends. A handful, and only half of those are always there for me. I could plan for a month to go out and the day before, everyone will back down. So yeah, sad, lonely and boring semester for me… I hate thinking about my life. I’ll never settle… I’ll never feel 100% content despite it all. But I know I’m not missing anything. Perhaps I am, but it doesn’t matter. I really want those tattoos… birds, anchor, a few words… tattoos make me feel better
I really want my birds already… they’ll be on the side of my hip, from the thigh to the lower back… I don’t really know how to describe the location specifically… but it’ll be nice. There’ll be 5 birds: my mom, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend and…. yeah, I have a random bird… A long time ago I thought it would be my ex. Not because he means anything to me or because or I still feel something towards him (because the truth is he could be dead and I wouldn’t know…) but because he thought me a lot… he was my first everything and he thought me not to love so easily because you can be hurt when you least expect it… love is a fragile thing when it’s not meant to be. Of course, I didn’t know it wasn’t meant to be… until I was so hurt I gave my back to everything and everyone. Fortunately, those times passed… and I am happy again. Anyways, I don’t know who is that extra bird… I’ll just say it’s me… I’ve always wanted to be a bird. They are free…. they can travel the world and fly anywhere… I wish I could fly… it’s a very meaningful tattoo for me… as well as the anchor I’m also planning on getting. You’d say anchors are overrated, but to me they have a different meaning. It’s this song : We all carry these things, Inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors.They drown us out at sea…. to me, the anchor would represent my abortions… they hold me down… they are always in my mind… they’ll never let me forget. In a sense, they are my anchors and they always will be. But I deserve it, and I’ll never forget… I hope I can get them soon, I really really want them…
My father just told me that he misses me and I told him I was too busy studying right now. I’ve been working a lot and I’m barely home… you can say I’m only there to sleep a few hours everyday. Obviously, I miss them too, but I never tell them. I love my parents and I really wish to repay them one day, I just hope they know how much they mean to me even if I don’t tell them… I don’t take time to value what I have; I just take it all for granted. My parents, my possessions, my family, your love, time… everything. My life is just one day after the other, each spent worrying about little and trivial things… I’m always studying to get good grades and because of that, I’ve spent much of my college years without going out. At least I’m sure I’m doing the right thing in order to have a good future. I just hope life is good with me. I just hope I have enough time to do and say all the things I haven’t. I just hope I don’t regret all the things I’ve done or not.
I wish I could trust myself a little more. Specially, I wish they knew how much they mean to me. I text them & tell them I love them, but that doesn’t mean anything. I know I tend to over-complicate myself, but I can’t seem to avoid it. I suck at expressing myself (verbally) and that makes me have all my feelings and thoughts bottled up inside. Maybe, if I can save enough money (I already need a thousand for something I’m planning in December besides the boob job), I’ll take them out to a fancy restaurant or maybe I’ll try to book them a weekend on some hotel… I just want them to know I love them and that they mean the world to me, even if I never tell them:(
it’s been a while… I’ve just been very busy. I need more time… and money. I earned $350 last week from work, and I used $300 for the abortion… I didn’t ask you for more because I knew you didn’t have any… Now I’m broke again… guess it’s better to start from the beginning right?
Well… I had the abortion done on Tuesday at 1. They told me not to eat after 11, but I was so hungry! I had to eat every hour. Really. If I didn’t, I would get these horrible headaches and I’d get nauseated… so I ate… and then we went… we really didn’t talk about it much… I just entered, signed the papers, and they immediately called me for the procedure. I already knew what to expect, but this time was waaay worse. It was shorter though… But I felt everything. He put those tweezers or whatever it is and then the pain. But the thing is, it hurt so much, but I couldn’t hear the suctioning… because they hadn’t started yet. I kept moving and I kept taking the things off, so that’s why it hurt so much… but it was over quickly. I was so nauseated, I had to throw up… twice:( Then in the recovery room I could barely move… Once outside, it was over. I didn’t cry. Nothing like last time. I felt so cold… How was I able to do that and feel… nothing? I even went to work a few hours after that… the days after the abortion were pretty normal. No pain, no bleeding, no sad feelings… nothing… although sometimes, sometimes, I admit I feel remorse. I feel guilty and stupid and selfish and dirty and I’m scared God will decide to punish me later on in life. You told me you were scared, and I know what you’re scared about. You’re scared I won’t be able to have kids anymore because of this. I hope you’re wrong… I really do:(
Sometimes I get sad for no reason and I start to cry… and I don’t know if it is because of the abortion. I don’t really know why I feel the way I do sometimes. I really do feel sad sometimes… and now you are saying you want to join the air force… next semester… so… you’ll be doing the training in Texas for I don’t know how many months… and I’ll be alone:( you see, if you aren’t with me, I really am alone. I have nobody else to talk to… I guess I’ll try to be busy with my 10 credit semester, my MCAT classes and my work… but still alone… for months…. without being able to call:( I don’t know what I’ll do, because when I’m the loneliest is when I wish the most for them to be here…
So I’ve been trying to be my happiness with shoes and clothes, but since I spent all my money, I have to wait for my next check… in a week. And I bought us tickets to see Marc Anthony because you really wanted to go… so I did… $200… so I’ll have about $150 to spare… $120 will go for some new shoes…. so I’ll have like $30 left…. nothing left until my next paycheck in 2 more weeks… this isn’t fun. This isn’t… what I want it to be. I don’t think I’ve been living my life the way I wanted to… or at least… well, sometimes I’m extremely happy. Sometimes I love the way everything is. But sometimes, I feel like I’ve done something extremely wrong and that’s why everything is as is. Sometimes I wish I could enjoy life more, but my anchors weigh me down and the ghosts of my past don’t seem to let me be happy. The memories just won’t leave and my mind won’t stop living a life of it’s own. Sometimes I wish I could go out and forget about everything and just have a good time like they all do… sometimes I wish I could make you happier. Sometimes I wish I’d never done it. Sometimes I wish I could tell you what you really mean to me. Sometimes I wish I’d dare to say what I really felt. Sometimes I wish you would know. Sometimes I wish I could hear something about you. Sometimes I wish I could have it all again. Sometimes I realize I still have it all. And sometimes I wish I could always understand that…
THEME:
CARMAH